


We’re still the same.

by tayshinny



Category: Taynew, เตนิว
Genre: Angst, M/M, it does end happy just in a really sad kinda way, like mega angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-10
Updated: 2019-07-10
Packaged: 2020-06-25 22:03:10
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,092
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19754656
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tayshinny/pseuds/tayshinny
Summary: just some good old taynew angst, ends kinda happy but not in the way you think it will





	We’re still the same.

_-February 2019-_

_To Hin, 9:57pm  
I'll be waiting xx_

With a small smile, Tay sent the message, New had left so early this morning they hadn't the time to even say good morning to each other. It had been like that recently. Both had been so busy with work it was difficult to actually see each other enough and not be asleep for it. Tay could sense the distance beginning to grow between them and he knew New felt it too, there was no way he couldn’t not. He had been missing him like crazy, of course, he always would miss him, but there was no denying the fact that things seemed ever so slightly out of place. Tay tried never to think about it, he just focused on the times that they felt okay, felt like they were supposed to be. It was the moment he was waiting for tonight. After a long of day of working there was always the moment, no matter how long, where they would melt into each other's arm on the sofa. No rushed kisses or words spoken, just them beside each other in comfortable silence. Arms would tighten around one another and fingers would interlock together, it was all they needed to feel at home. 

Sinking further down into the sofa with that thought in mind, Tay left his messaging app and opened up Twitter, ready to kill the time by scrolling through his timeline. 

He let his eyes glaze over the numerous tweets with the odd like or reply here and there before he decided to go through his own tag. He loved going through his own hashtag, the love and the humour he got out of it always put a huge smile on his face.

And that’s what it was doing. It was going like it normally does, happy smiles and a warm heart, until his eyes happened to read a tweet talking about New and a supposed relationship with a girl he was having. Tay never usually let those kind of things bother him, but he couldn't stop himself as his finger pressed the name of the tweeter, his screen immediately showing their account. Tay knew he shouldn't scroll through it and that he should just turn his phone off and do something else, but wondering what people were actually saying about all this was gnawing at his curiosity. He sucked in a breath as his thumb moved through the tweets, eyes paying attention to every single word and picture. 

A lot of it Tay could so easily know was fake. For one, he was dating New and secondly he knew fake messengers existed, so there was really no reason for him to believe anything. He trusted New with everything he had, they may not be the best they’ve ever been, but trust and love were still there between them. However, when he read one tweet that wasn't claiming anything but simply stating a fact Tay couldn't help but agree with, his heart sank and his eyes were already glistening with unshed tears. 

***

Whistling to himself as he fumbled to find his keys, New stood in front of the front door of Tay's apartment. He had been out shooting a series all day and he couldn't wait to see his boyfriend; he was in desperate need for some hugs. And food, but the hugs most definitely. It was New's favourite part of any day being able to take all of Tay in and never let go until one of them eventually fell asleep. Though New couldn't miss the obvious strain their relationship was going through, he remained hopeful because coming home to see Tay waiting for him was all he needed to know they were meant to be, that they were the right fit for each other. He couldn't deny the times he thought him and Tay were gradually coming to a stop, things just seemed off sometimes, but New didn't want to dwell on that too much because, at the end of the day, the only face he wanted to see when he walked through the door was Tay's.

Smiling as he turned the key, he walked into the living room, confusion spreading across his features when he realised he was in pitch blackness. He looked down at his watch, it was only half ten at night, there was no way Tay was asleep yet.   
New closed the door behind him and dumped his bag as he called out,   
"Tay!" No answer.   
Furrowing his brows, New unlocked his phone and read the last text Tay had sent him – I'll be waiting xx. That was sent at 9:57pm. New couldn't help but let a small flash of concern wash over him, but he quickly brushed it off knowing it was useless to worry when Tay had probably just fallen asleep suddenly. He shook his head and headed towards the bedroom, a smile once again finding itself on his lips – coming home to an unbelievably cute asleep Tay wasn't a bad thing at all. 

As he neared the door, he started to hear what he thought was Tay laughing quietly, but a few steps more and he realised they weren't laughs at all. 

His feet raced the closing distance and his hands pushed the door wide open, eyes frantically trying to find his boyfriend. With a pounding heart, New finally landed on a slumped figure in the corner of the room, head between knees and hands wrapped around ankles; the sight alone breaking New's heart. 

Feet frozen still for a split second, New didn't want to believe he had just come home to this. He had only seen Tay cry like this a handful of times and he hated it. It broke him seeing the one he loved so hurt and upset.   
�Without another second passing New was beside Tay, legs sat beside him and arms outstretched along his shoulders, pulling him close into a warm embrace. New could feel Tay relax marginally as he felt weight press against him, Tay clearly needing the support New was giving him. Whatever was going one was serious and definitely not something a good night's sleep could fix. New took one more look at his boyfriend whose face he had still yet to see before asking with a concerned but also calm voice,   
"Tay, what's wrong?" Tay's sniffles paused as he heard the question and his head lifted so his chin now rested atop his knees– what was wrong? If he said ‘everything’ would it be too vague? But then how was he supposed to pinpoint the exact problem when there was so much going on inside his head? He tilted his head to look at New and he was met with worried eyes through his own blurred with tears ones. A sad smile toyed his lips briefly as a pale hand came up to gently wipe away tears that were left on his cheek, the realisation of what he was about to do settling in. 

As soon as New saw Tay's melancholic smile fade away it was as if he could sense what was coming, he didn't want it to but he could feel it. 

"New, honestly," Tay gingerly placed his hand over his boyfriends, a subtle squeeze as he continued with his words, "I'm scared." Though New could barely hear what Tay was saying due his quieter than a whisper voice, he could hear how candid the elder was being and all New wanted to do was hold Tay as tight as he could; he never wanted him to feel scared, he was supposed to be there so he could feel safe and secure. Instead, he opted to completely take Tay's hands into his, thumbs subconsciously running across the tops of them and grips steel tight – New didn't want to let go, he wouldn't.   
"About what?" Not wanting to press Tay into answering, New tried to hide how urgent he felt about getting the answer. Whatever was bugging Tay this much, New wanted to know so he could help fix it – even though deep down New could sense this something was broken beyond repair.

A deep breath was then taken by Tay and a shaky, hesitant answer followed; what he said from now on was going to change their relationship for good and Tay had struggled to accept that fact the whole time he was waiting for New to come home but it had to be said, for the better of both of them it had to. 

"About you leaving me."

"I wouldn't ev-," New rushed into his response so quickly he didn't actually know what he was saying until his emotions caught up with him, so, he took a breath and looked at Tay looking at him, their gaze said so much but not enough for this talk to not happen. He cleared his throat and started again, "why would I do that?" 

"Because you'll realise this is too complicated." Tay broke their eye contact as he spoke, his eyes dropping down to stare at their hands holding each other. For a split second the simplicity of tan skin on pale calmed Tay; if he could block out the fact that his cheeks were tearstained and New was beside him getting steadily more worried, he could imagine that they're fine, that there's not a single thing wrong. But, he couldn't. The glaringly obvious but so hard to say truth was impossible to block out. Tay hated it. 

"What is? What’s too complicated?" New's frantic voice broke Tay away from their interlocked hands but not enough to regain eye contact, he couldn't bring himself too, especially when he felt the next wave of tears wet his eyes. 

"Us. What we have isn't simple. We've been together for a year now and still haven't come out to anyone because of what it could mean. What if one day you, or myself, get sick of the constant worry someone will find out about us as if we're just some dirty little secret?" Tay's voice was shaky throughout, the words proving more difficult to say than think. He dared to glance upwards and immediately saw the forlorn expression on the younger, clearly his words were a shock to the system but Tay couldn't miss how New seemed to realise the truth to what he was saying. It was awful to watch and it almost made Tay not carry on with what he wanted to say. Almost, though. 

"What if you realise it'll be easier to date a girl and live a normal life rather than live a hidden one with me?" With the last few words feeling bitter in Tay's mouth, they stumbled out with an empty voice, emotions so overwhelming they gave out completely. Replaying in Tay's head was the tweet he read that had started this whole mess. Part of him wished he had never read the words that said him and New would be better off dating women, but another part didn't. That part of him was determined to prove to Tay that dating New would only bring about pain because of their job and Tay realised that it was all true. They either stayed secret, keep things happy within work and for the fans but risk their entire relationship because they can only show it behind closed doors or come out and watch a series of events (some good but also some terrifyingly bad) transpire purely because of who they love. 

Tay couldn't look far enough ahead to see their happy ending because he couldn't see it happening if they kept on like this. It broke his heart in two thinking he might not end up with New in the long run, but he couldn't ruin their love over his own selfish wants. 

A hand then came up to wipe away tears Tay didn't even realise were there, a small sniff following in recognition, and New tilted Tay's head up to look at him. 

"What if I don't want an easy life? I want this complicated mess with you, I want you." If Tay didn't have an up-close and personal view of the upset in New's eyes, he would've heard it in his voice as plain as day. He could feel what were usually strong hands tremble against his cheeks and saw a sad shine in eyes that were normally bright and smiling. Tay brought his hands up to cover New's and gently returned them back down to his lap, their soft grip easing New as he let out the breath he had been holding ever since he spoke. 

"It's not about what we want New, it's about what we need." Though Tay's words were still as quiet and doleful as they had been, they were also now sharp and straight to the point, determined to make sure New understood what he was saying. 

“What do you mean?” News’s hands gripped tighter on to Tay’s as he turned more to face him, voice and eyes doing nothing but showing how scared he was about all this. He loved Tay more than anything and he hated how it had all to come to this. 

Tay let out a sad sigh, eyes locking with New’s and for the first time since they knew each other, even before they started dating, New couldn’t read what was behind them. 

“You know exactly what it means, New,” Tay watched the youngers eyes close with heavy lids, the weight of the situation finally catching up with him, “you can’t tell me you haven’t noticed how off we’ve been lately. We are not the same as when we started this.” As words trembled out with unshed tears, Tay could feel pale hands slip out of his as New shifted where he sat so his back was leant against the wall and his head rolled back; eyes still firmly shut closed. 

New did know exactly what Tay meant, he understood every single word, he just didn’t want to. He didn’t want to accept the fact that his relationship with the one he loved more than anything was deteriorating right in front of him. He didn’t want to acknowledge how much truth there was to what his boyfriend had said - they weren’t the same anymore and as much as he wanted them to be, something had changed between them somewhere along the line. 

It was exasperating, trying to go back and figure out where things started to go wrong, where the end had been put into motion. If New could know when and where things had first gone wrong, there would be nothing stopping him from going back and making it right. There isn't anything he wouldn’t do to get back to how he and Tay used to be. How they would bicker about everything but have smiles on their faces the whole time. How no matter what they would always find a way to make each other laugh, even when one was feeling anxious, they would never leave until there was a smile on their face. How they were so utterly infatuated with each other that everyone else around them disappeared.

Bringing his hands up to cover his face, New reminisced on how unconditionally happy they used to be that everyone around them could feel it too. But, he also reminisced on the past couple of months. Yes, they still had their happily and obnoxiously in love moments, but there were also now awkward and forced moments between them. New could recall countless occasions where their once comfortable silence became uncomfortable or their playful bickering became actual arguments. All the little things escalated into huge problems that were blatantly obvious but New had ignored them all, he was too stubborn to accept that he and Tay were no longer working. He remembered telling himself when they were just best friends how one day Tay would be his and he would be Tay’s forever. 

That was the plan. But, plans never work out how you’d want them to. 

“Tay?” New’s head swivelled to the side as his hands came down to rest against his knees, his voice quiet and heavy. Tay looked up the instant he heard his name, eyes landing on eyes so close to overspilling.

“I know we’re not the same but I can’t just stop loving you. I won’t.” Though New’s voice was as desperate as Tay had ever heard it, it was also so overwhelmingly confident that Tay was taken aback. He, too, would never stop loving New, but hearing those words come out of his boyfriends mouth so serious and emotionally raw, he had to take a moment to process it. 

Moving one of his hands to rest atop of one of New’s, Tay spoke with such sincerity that both knew what they were doing was the right thing,

“I won’t stop loving you either, I couldn’t, but if we carry on like this we’ll only end up unhappy and miserable. You’re the one person who gets me completely and loves me solely for who I am. You love me the way people dream about being loved and I can’t lose that. I won’t sit around and wait for us to fall apart. And if that means going back to being just friends then that’s all we can do.” 

The gaze shared between Tay and New after the words were spoken was intense and nothing like ever before; there was sadness, there was nostalgia, there was anger. New couldn’t be sure if it was the volatile mix of everything or just the thought of leaving Tay, but his head was already leaning in before he could stop himself. The first thing New felt was tears wetting Tay’s lips, but then he felt Tay kiss back and everything stopped in that moment. 

Everything New had been keeping in, poured out into this kiss. As a hand came up to rest against Tay’s neck with a thumb running gently across the elder’s cheekbone, New deepened the kiss. There was no open mouths or tongues fighting back and forth, it was simply lips on lips but the force both were pressing against the other was more than enough to bruise.   
Feeling the need to breathe, New regretfully pulled back but kept his forehead against Tay’s, the need for contact staggeringly high. 

“Even if after all this I find someone new and fall in love with them, you’ll always be _my_ Tay, nothing will ever change that.” As his whispered words ghosted over Tay’s lips, New leant in to press a quick kiss against them, taking every chance he could to kiss Tay; he knew he would miss being able to do it.

Tay smiled as New’s lips lingered for a split second before moving to link his hands behind New’s neck, his eyes opening to see New already looking at him. Now with both wearing soft smiles, Tay reached up to gently kiss the mole on New’s nose,

“And you’ll forever be _my_ Hin.”

***

_-July 2019-_

“Yeah, I’m free on Thursd-,” cut off by his phone ringing, Tay looked down with all intent to let the call ring out on silent and carry the conversation with Off, Arm and Alice. However, when he saw who was calling he couldn’t not take the call.   
Excusing himself from his friends, Tay walked around the corner and picked up the phone,

“New, hello?”

_“Tay, can you come over? I need to talk about,”_ a heavy breath sounded down the phone and Tay’s worries grew tenfold, _“well, everything really.”_

“Of course, I’m on my way.” Without hesitation Tay responded, if there was one thing he had learnt from knowing New, it was that if he was the one to ask to talk, something huge must be bothering him.   
Saying quick goodbyes to everyone, he picked up his bag and raced outside to grab a taxi. The whole car drive had Tay on the edge of his seat and when he finally got out of the door he practically ran the rest of the way to New’s apartment door. 

_Knock knock._

“Come in, its open.” A dejected voice came through from behind the door and Tay immediately opened it to see New sat on the sofa staring off into space. Letting the door shut behind him, the elder raced to sit beside his best friend. As soon as New felt Tay’s presence he instantly started to talk, not wanting to waste time with friendly chit-chat, 

“I don’t know what to do.” It was said matter-of-factly and New still couldn’t tear his eyes away from the wall opposite him. Tay was at a loss, he hadn’t seen New like this since they broke up and he hoped he never would have to again. 

“About what?” He asked calmly as he brought a hand up to comfortingly rest on the younger’s shoulder. New, still finding Tay’s touch relaxing, let out a sigh and finally turned to look at his best friend. _Best friend_. New hated those two words. Though he and Tay were no longer dating and he had moved on, it still felt wrong to call each other that. They were still so much closer than any best friends but just not close enough to be deemed more; New found it infuriating. 

“Kik, the fans, us. Everything is so confusing right now, how’d things get _this_ messy?” New let his head fall back against the sofa as his words tumbled out quickly and exasperatingly. It was a question that had been playing on his mind for weeks now and all he wanted was an answer - even if he didn’t like it. And, to New, the only person he knew that could help him get the answer was Tay. They had been through thick and thin together and had always helped each other get over any problem, why should now be any different? 

Opening his mouth to respond, Tay realised he didn’t really know what to say. Just watching as an onlooker to New’s life already gave Tay an insight to the mess New was swept up into, he couldn’t imagine what it must be like for New having to deal with everything and _still_ keep up appearances when cameras were around. Tay wished he could tell New everything would be okay and things will sort themselves out quickly, but he couldn’t lie, not to New. 

For what felt like an eternity, Tay finally broke the heavy silence, New turning to look at Tay at the question asked,

“Do you love her?” Tay hated how bitter the words felt in his mouth, he hated how he was still hung up on what happened between him and New all those months ago. He hated how the sting New’s answer gave him burned. 

“Yeah, I think I do.” Though New was taken aback by the question, he knew the answer and was confident about it, the words flowing off his tongue like they were meant to be said. 

Flickering his eyes to look at Tay, New could see the obvious pain behind the elders eyes hearing those words, he never meant to hurt Tay, but what New had learned over the past year or so is that the truth _does_ hurt and you can’t run away it from it. 

Though, that didn’t make it any easier to see the person who had always been there for him hurting because of him. 

“But I-” Tay cut New off abruptly with a hand waving in the air which eventually settled to rest on New’s hand that neither had realised had bunched into a fist. Tay smiled at New with a mix of happy and sad swimming in his eyes,

“No buts. That’s all you need to know everything will work out. You love her, that’s enough.”

Tay couldn’t deny that it still hurt knowing New had moved on this quickly, but at the end of the day all he wanted was for New to be happy, he would always wish that. He knew New felt the same too, whatever the pair of them shared hasn’t left just because New is with someone else. They are still the duo that bicker over everything with smiles on their faces, they’re still the duo that make each other laugh no matter what and they’re still the duo who get lost in their own little world and annoy all their friends. 

They are still TayNew and nothing would, or could, ever change that.

**Author's Note:**

> i got hella emo and this just happened, whoops  
> well, i hope you enjoyed this angsty mess and dont forget to leave a comment id love to hear yalls thoughts on this one :))


End file.
